Stock Markets Exposed
Personal Statement for university. PLEASE READ AND CORRECT ME !?
Hey guys! it's me again. I was required by school to write my first draft of the personal statement for university. Could you guys please read it and correct me and possibly suggest improvements? *Keep in my that this is my third year of English and that I am still in 11th grade :D so don't blow me off too much and demoralize me Business management and enterprise: Over the course of my childhood, my father’s time consuming occupation resulted in my family having to gather all our possessions in boxes and throw ourselves into a whole new culture multiple times. Along with 5 languages and a broad world-view, I developed a keen interest in the field of business management, as I made contact with various family members that were involved in the managerial side of the agricultural industrial sector. Nonetheless, being of young age, dreams such as these were frequently replaced by the prospect of becoming a professional athlete in tennis, rugby or volleyball; as I was highly motivated by my personal trainers on each sport. Even so, I was never able to forget business, as I had been told so many times that it could be my best chance to utilize all that I had learnt throughout my existence. As I made my way through middle school, and entered 9th grade, I was given the opportunity to come in contact with the subject in a Business Studies class. In this class, we were taught many economical aspects of business, the managerial portion of businesses, and my personal favorite, the bases of entrepreneurship. In this section of the course, the class took part in simulation websites that replicate the stock market and was required to create our own in-school business to raise money for charity; the business I created, not only sold the most popsicles, but achieved a net profit of 350 Euros in one month, due to my very low overheads that derived from the application of managerial and economical economies of scale. I proceeded with the course until I began the IB programme, which allowed me to further specialize in the subject by taking IB Business Higher Level. In addition to my very time costly IB schedule, I began finding myself with very little to no free time, as I consumed it all with extracurricular activities; activities such as a BP Oil internship in business, Global Young Leaders conference, business chats with various entrepreneurs and CEOs/FEOs such as the Chief Executive Officer of Anheuser-Busch (InBEV/ AmBEV), and subject-specialized Uni-prep courses. These were all activities of which I am very proud of having attended to and that I believed, allowed my free-time to be used very wisely and enjoyably. In my spare time, I enjoy competing in National or International tennis tournaments, participating in the school’s varsity teams, and following a fitness programme in order to maintain peak fitness levels which I believe enhance my social and academical potential by stimulating some of my team working and interacting skills. After completing university, I hope to have acquired the necessary wisdom to take part in a respectable company and to apply the knowledge that I have earned with so much effort. With age, I hope to one day be able to run my own business and provide my children with a very qualitative formation, similar or better than the one I was provided with. I know it's really really long! but i really need some help! Thanks! :D <3
Public Comments
- Paragraph 1 - change 5 to five Paragraph 2 - change "being of young age" to being young. Your personal trainers in, not "on", each sport. Paragraph 4 - try and reword the first sentence. There is a great deal of redundancy here. Paragraph 6 - remove the words "very time costly". Change "chats" to discussions or interviews. Change "attended to" to undertaken. Believe, not believed. Paragraph 7 - is to long. Split this into at least two sentences. Last paragraph - change "take part" to work. Remove "with so much effort". Change "With age, I hope to one day" to In time I hope to or One day I hope to. "qualitative formation"? Just tell them that you hope to provide your children with the same quality upbringing you had. Make these changes and check it all fits together.
