Stock Markets Exposed - Big selection of christmas fun.?

Big selection of christmas fun.?

A Cook's Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the kitchen; I was cooking and baking And moanin and b*tchin. I've been here for hours, I cant stop to rest. This room's a disaster, Just look at this mess! Tommorow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need ! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs. There's a knock at the door, and the telephones ringing; Frosting drips on the counter As the microwave's dinging. Two pies in the oven, Dessert's almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had alI I can stand, I can't take anymore; Then in walks my husband, Spilling rum on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready !" He looks all around and with total regret, Says "Whats taking so long.... Aren't you through in here yet??" As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE !!" Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh sh*it it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell !! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, But I put them on BOIL Instead of on BAKE. What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead?? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, All shakey and dazed. But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year, You won't find me pulling My hair out in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; And if that doesnt work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Santa's Pickup Lines 10. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? 9. Wanna see my 12-inch elf? 8. I`ve got something special in the sack for you! 7. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? 6. I know when you`ve been bad or good--so let`s skip the small talk, sister! 5. Some of my best toys run on batteries... <wink wink> 4. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that`s what the Mrs. calls it. 3. I see you when you`re sleeping--and you don`t wear any underwear, do you? 2. Screw the "nice" list--I`ve got you on my "naughty" list! 1. Wanna join the "Mile High" club? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A Bowler's Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before XMAS And all throughout the shop Not a kegler was stirring Not even a pop All nestled in bed With dreams of the perfect shot They hoped St. Nick Gave them a ball that was hot But St. Nick was standing there Just dazed and confused With all this new equipment He didn’t know what to do What's Brunswick doing With so many balls on the rack The Zones are a bit much As all the Elites by Track The game is turning into golf You get a new ball to adjust But with the market so flooded Half the balls are a bust He looked at his list With a sneer on his face Like the Omega Lion This is simply a disgrace. MF stock is down Walter Ray is a bore And what’s with Columbia And their Titanium core? Take the game by Storm? Or Webb and his RX? Glow in the dark balls? Who needs those damn effects? Faball or Hammer What's that company's name? The hell with this science Bowling's just a game A Quantum Helix That’s kinda catchy Then he saw the price of it Holy sh*t is that pricey! But Nick looked over Saw the keglers sleeping in bed And knew if he didn’t get them what they want He was simply going to be dead. Ever so quietly He dropped a ball in each stocking He glanced at his watch It was getting close to morning! On Roth! On Anthony! Let’s go watch some Seinfeld Because I’m going to be sick If I see another ad with Jeremy Sonnenfeld. And off he went With his Dexters over his shoulder He opened the door and said Oy! It’s getting colder! The bowlers woke up And were they shocked to discover That Ol’ St. Nick Left them each a Manhattan Rubber -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Australian Christmas Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away, Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh! Never have a white Christmas, When you in Melbourne live, Wearing hot pants on the beach, When you your presents give! Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Sweating his fat away, Here comes Santa Claus, Here comes Santa Claus, Water-skis on his sleigh! Chestnuts roasting on the sidewalk, Castles in the sand, Eating ice-cream, having good talks, Warm Christmas, isn't that grand? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Christmas Shopping Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. Then I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand! Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night. "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loudly did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What If It Had Been 3 Wise WOMEN?? Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men ? Women would say: They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Christmas Riddles Q. Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A. You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Q. What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? A. It's Christmas, Eve! Q. What nationality is Santa Claus? A. North Polish. Q. Why does Mr. Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? A. Because every buck is dear to him. Q. What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? A. Crisp Cringle. Q. What does Father Christmas write on his cards at Christmas? A. ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (no-L) Q. What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? A. It was already wound up. Only one 2nite folks away to my bed am full of the cold. good night mechelle.

Public Comments

Wow that is great. Thanks
Thanks! Those were awesome.
my god that was good thanks for sharing star4u
very nice,thanx
nice one! have a star!
lol
Stay inside tomorrow, under the covers and stay "toasty". Maybe it's time for a "hot toddy". Hope you feel better. lol.
hehehe, another excellent selection, pmsl star time xxxxxxxxxxxxx
excellent
my word, theres a lot there, something for everyone starred. im sorry to hear yer full of cold, but have a little something to give you a giggle How To Avoid The Flu Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies. Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. Get plenty of rest. OR Take the doctor's approach. Think about it... When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol... Why? Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. So........ I walk to the liquor store. (exercise) I put lime in my Corona...(fruit) Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies) Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air) Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress) Then pass out. (rest) The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
Long but funny! Ha Ha! 100!
like m .lol
nice 1
Star awarded. Those were excellent. Thanks.
Thanks that was good to read!!!
Enjoyed reading those thanks.